Fighting with Binging, Body Dysmorphia & Bodybuilding...From the Beginning
MY JOURNEY...
I am not new, remotely new, or kind of experienced with bodybuilding and the serious fitness scene; I've been competing since 2007 and am almost 9 years in. I was into it before it was a fad, trendy, or the coolest thing to be a fitness model. I had a lot of people make fun of me for being jacked and lifting heavy, and wanting to "look like a dude" (seriously, I know many of you can recall these days if you personally know me).
I can tell you vividly about my first contest prep, it started in October of 2007 & I had been working out for many years prior. I ran 5-7 miles, sometimes up to 15 miles 5 days a week and my freshman year of college I was a proud anorexic. I weighed myself on the rec center scale every day after I spent 60-if not 120-minutes on the corner arc-trainer. I would fluctuate between 112 (my lowest) and 119lbs throughout the major portion of that year, but I never had a 6 pack; I was just skinny and looked athletic. I ate once a day; warrior diet style. I would chew & spit out food on the regular. I never monitored calories, protein, macros etc. I had trained as a gymnast previously so I had always had muscle memory and always worked out, but nothing to the extent of strength training.
I reached out to Ben Hartman, a bodybuilder from my college who had worked with some people I knew, & he taught me the basics as to what competing was; dieting, posing, etc. At this time there was figure, fitness & bodybuilding! I knew I was too muscular (at 120lbs mind you) for figure but wanted to get my feet wet. I couldn't really figure out what worked for me diet wise, I wasn't in great shape and still didn't have a 6 pack. Fast forward to a diagnosed thyroid disorder and the reason why I would nap every single day for the past decade, and that explained that for the most part.
Really, that was my start. I came in dead last from that contest (14 out of 14) but I wasn't one who just wanted to compete and compete just to win. I continued to build my dream physique & didn't give a second look at the stage until I knew I was ready. I continued to design this piece of art along with becoming a competitive track cyclist, riding for 3 hour long road tours a few times a week & still loving fitness. I've taken months off of the gym at a time since 2007; sometimes 1 or 2, sometimes 5 or 6, but muscles always return.
Fast forward to 2012; I started prepping for my next show. I was happy with my physique (well, about as happy as a girl who doesn't take steroids can be) and thought it was time to get back on stage. They had come out with a physique division and a bikini division in the time since I followed the NPC/IFBB & knew that physique was what I was. I refused to get on stage as a bodybuilder-I am a girlie girl, super feminine, and hated how bodybuilding females were portrayed (and the level of juice was unreal. I could barely compete with figure chicks in the hardness dept, let alone anything more crazy like bb-ing). I prepped for 20 weeks, did my own diet and training, and won the Northern Kentucky A physique. I honestly didn't give a shit about winning; I swear to you I stood backstage (late as usual), didn't even get to pump up because I had to run in line and cut everyone for my glaze, and thought to myself:
"I am so happy with the physique I created. I never had a coach or someone telling me what to do, no one to hold me accountable besides me. I am fucking awesome. I don't care what the judges think, I absolutely love my physique & think it's spectacular-hopefully they see what I built and like it as much as I do, but if they don't there's nothing I can do but be happy because I LOVE IT". Well, they did...and me taking 7 years at that time to build that physique myself was totally worth every day of patience.
If you all know what I looked like, I am 5'2" and stepped on stage at my last show at around 143lbs. I sit anywhere from 150-160 in offseason and any-time not 4-5 weeks out. I also never ever weigh myself, numbers freak me out. I could always be leaner and harder, but without compromising my integrity as a non-anabolic taking athlete I will always remain at a disadvantage in that realm. I am genetically gifted with muscle, it grows like weeds....except my shoulders lol. Another way you can tell I am completely honest about steroid use- people have the most androgen receptors in their delts and when a female takes anabolics they get the extreme capped off look, something that I understandably and enviably won't ever be achievable for me. What is my point though? It's taken me ALMOST A DECADE TO PUT THIS SIZE ON NATURALLY.
MY DIET....
has evolved greatly over the years, more so the past half-year than at any point previously. I have never been a crazy macro tracker, I am a fan of trying new diets etc.
I love: the warrior diet. the ketogenic diet. IIFYM (with restrictions). Macro-timing. Metabolic dieting for macro breakdown.
Warrior diet? eat only post workout (so 2-3 meals in a short 4 hour window). Love it. Tossed it in last prep here and there. Variation of intermittent fasting.
Ketogenic diet? I have studied this for years thru grad school. Obviously variations of low-to-no-carb approach.
IIFYM? has to go hand in hand with macro breakdown
Macro-timing? dont mix a pro and a fat with a pro and a carb, period.
metabolic dieting for macro breakdown? fructose is metabolized differently than glucose. 95% of the time i do not eat fruit. actually like make that 99%. I don't eat anything with HFCS in it either (high fructose corn syrup)
If I want taco bell, I'll eat it. If I want pizza, I'll eat it. I do not restrict ANYTHING. I eat clean often, the majority of the time. Subway has amazing cookies and they are right next to my work; if I want a dozen cookies and to get sick by #5, I'll go get them. But what is different than the past 8 years?
BINGING & RESTRICTION!
I used to try to eat perfectly when I was on plan, and give myself one day to gorge (cheat day). It would always be a cheat meal turned day turned weekend turned disaster. Not always, but I would probably smash 20k calories and not even blink an eye. Then I would feel so guilty, wish I could make myself puke, and sulk. I distinctly remember my first prep in 07 I ate an entire loaf of bread in the form of peanut butter & jelly! And that was just for one meal that day, not including probably donuts, cake, brownies, cookies etc.
I remember the week of this most recent show, I chewed and spit out so much stuff-nuts, cinnamon rolls etc. I also remember nights where I would go to Giant Eagle(our grocery store), sit in my car at like 11pm and just house cinnamon rolls. lol! You can only have so much self-control and sometimes it backfires.
Since I moved to LA, I am crazy busy. There are also so many healthy options! I eat rice and chicken, rice and curry and chicken a lot of the time. If I cook, I'll make some veggies, rice etc and take my full profile amino acid pills for my protein because I am so sick of chicken. I sometimes over-eat on my quantity, but I try. I have completely cut fruit out alltogether, and try to stick to natural foods (but if it doesn't happen, oh well). The biggest thing I notice is that I don't put anything in an off-limits category or limited it to only one day and I have had much more success. I can't remember the last time I've had a legitimate "cheat day" aka BINGE session.
CARDIO...
I've kept doing intervals as much as I can. Whether it be 10 minutes or 45 minutes, I try to do it 3-4 times per week. My schedule like I've said is nuts and I work from 6:30-3:30 and train after work, except on Fridays when I work 830-530 (this isn't by choice btw). I can't wake up and do cardio before getting to the office before 6:30 so I'll try and do 10-15 min before I train, and I always get it done on the weekends. Normally I don't do ANY cardio when I'm not getting ready for a contest so this has been a changed.